I'd rather believe in fairytales than confiding in people.

 Letter to my younger self

Dear younger-self,

You’ll be okay. I won’t ask how you have been because I know you are not fine which completely is okay if you ask me. You know why? Because the future, the present, that I am living in right now is more than okay. Just know that everything’s going to be good!

It’s okay to have a few bad days in your life in fact, it’s a necessity otherwise there are plenty of opportunities and lessons that you miss out on when you only focus on the good days. I hate to bring this upon you, although, it will take you more than a while to finally be content and accept things the way they are. But hey, at least you know things are going to be fine one day. That’s good right?

Don’t ask me why but I wanted to drop in a few things that will help you live life a little rather than giving up completely. I know your heart aches and the pain seems endless. I promise you, it won’t last; you have it in you to fight it until you defeat it. You don’t have to live with that pain forever, it will end at the right time and when it does, you’ll know it; you will smile widely, paralyzed for moments, wishing time would halt, wondering if the pain will return except it won’t.

1.   YOU ARE DOING RIGHT BY HER.

Stop worrying about the ways to fit in, you do as you do. The truth is, everyone is struggling to fit in. Allow yourself to explore your darkest part. Lashing out would be one of them even so, prove that you are stronger than you think you are.

You keep wondering if the baby in the picture is smiling at what you have become or snickering at what you have become. However, don’t doubt it, go with your instincts and I say it with experience, follow where your instincts lead you. Sometimes, they might be incorrect, that is your cue to find the moral out of it all. Discover creativity, kindness within you; it’s there, you just have to find it. When you lie in bed, at 10pm, overthinking about your whole day, ask yourself are you grateful for the things you got to experience? Do you comfort in things you do and continue doing? If your answer is no, don’t brood, change things, change your actions, bring improvement in them till you see yourself answering yes to the questions above. And remember, throwing kindness around confetti can always be your go-to solution. You should know you will surely make her proud.

2.   Break-ups are not the end of the world.

The only thing that you ought to know during your break-ups is forgiveness is the key. The more you hold a grudge, the more it will bug you. Believe me, you don’t want to hold onto something that bad. It will ruin you, it will bring out the worst in you. You’ll heal and I say that in the most convincing way possible. Losing someone you once absolutely, whole-heartedly loved is horrifying, even the thought of not being able to talk to someone you talked literally 24/7 makes my blood run cold.

You out of all people will lose a considerable amount of people. Yes, you will but that affect life. Life will continue moving on, the way it has been since forever, even when the times you did not notice, it went on. The key to get out of the gloom is to forgive. Forgetting is also a way but I highly not recommend that. You don’t ever want to forget all the good times those people gave you. Besides, forgiving is Godlike. Life is full of losses and these teenage losses will teach you how to not be resilient in learning to overcome these challenges. You’ll be certain that nothing will affect you anymore and that people who left you don’t define you yet it will consume you; the guilt, the agony, the rage, the pain, it will eat you only you’ll get over it, all of it. Once it stops, you will bloom.

3.   YOU’LL FIND YOUR PERSON.

I know it feels lonely not having found a single person who listens to you in times of need, to carry what you call your burden on her shoulders. A mirror, who would cry when you cry, laugh when you laugh, make faces when you make faces. A pillar, to support you no matter what; a therapist: an actual therapist, a human being who would invest time, mind and money in you the way you’d do. A girl, who would give you all the tea you ever needed, who would hate the person you hate, love the person you love and be there for you forever and ever. It seems very much impossible but she exists, I promise.

You can have your doubts on people now and you will trust the wrong people along your journey and get your heart broken over and over again. It wouldn’t mean to stop searching for that one soul who loves you like your sister does. A sister from another mother. I assure you, one day you will, leave it to time. Time heals, you will heal. Life will lead you to such an amazing who fails to believe that you are flawed no matter how much you try to convince her otherwise. Despite your imperfections, she’d choose to make you focus on your achievements and the positive vibes around you. You won’t always agree to her but deep down, you’ll know you have finally found your person.

4.   Your so-called twin is all you have.

It may be quite hard to believe that you are extremely close to your sister now. There is no bickering and almost killing-each-other-fights anymore. Miraculously, she helped you in ways you don’t even realize. Although you’d never utter these words until you comprehend her actions. The invasion of privacy has now become to sharing things. Loving her because she is your sister has turned into loving her because she is her, she is the only one you ever needed. And I don’t think these words fit to anyone else more than her. That reckless love is now unconditional love.

No, she won’t protect you when you and mom have arguments, she’ll always choose the right thing to do. It’s her thing, it’s bad but it’s her thing. You just have to live with it. Let go of the thought that she will never be by your side as she has never left your side, you fail to see that. Look around, think about the worst feeling you could possibly have, the only person you would want to talk to, your sister. Owing all of who I am right now to her, she is by far the best thing that happened to you.

Overall, things might not go the way you want. Thanks to bad situations, you will have become competent in methods you won’t understand at that moment. People fall short in interpreting that every person walking earth has problems, from a 4-year old to adults. Problems don’t occur from a particular age. It’s completely normal if a kid says he/she has problems. Nevertheless, IT’S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY.

The world is beautiful and people are gorgeous, you are a glorious mess :)

Embrace. Your. Imperfections.

Love,

Your future-self